Anyone that knows me well knows that I’ve always been a hairy dude. Hair started popping up on my torso when I was 14 and my back at 16. And to this day, my body hair has never stopped getting thicker, fuller and more amazing. Except in the one place where it truly mattered most, my upper lip. Well, on second thought, the place where having hair would matter most is my junk- if I was hairy every place except the pubic region, this would be a MUCH more disturbing blog post. Nonetheless, while my beard comes in thick and wooly, my ‘stache region is the same collection of two-dozen peach fuzzy blonde hairs it’s been since high school. Which SUPER blows. I mean, I’m 29 years old and still haven’t been able to grow either an ironic or non-ironic moustache.
That’s why I’m counting the days until my body finds the right mix of hormones to produce, a full, bushy moustache like the one my dad had when he married my mom. I say this with no sarcasm or irony intended, but the American moustache is the most grown-up facial hair stance a man can take. And maybe it’s because I’ve lived my whole life without one, but I’m pretty sure that as soon as I can grow a good moustache, I’m never going to go without it. Someone once suggested I just grow out the peach fuzz and then Just for Men™ it to an approximation of my hair color, but as far as I’m concerned, that’s cheating. I wouldn’t want a moustache I didn’t earn myself.
You might be thinking, “Well, are you sure that you can’t grow one, Henry?” The answer is yes. The last time I tried in earnest, not shaving for two months (I was unemployed at the time), my beard came in at a steady clip, a brittle, reddish brown face-fro. But the upper lip was still just sparsely covered with blond hairs and the interspersed black, making me look like a high school senior aggressively pursuing adulthood/trying to buy beer. Chastened, I pulled out the Braun Beard-and-Moustache (ha!) trimmers and went back to my standard 5 o’clock shadow look I’ve been rocking for the past five years.
However, should I be able to grow a moustache in the next five years, rest assured, you will all be invited to my moustache’s coming out party. It will be super fun. And kind of sad.
Henry Goldman started yr an adult. It’s pretty great, right?